Hard Naked but Dead
Sitting in the car at a stop light this morning I was blaring Dead’s latest effort “Hard Naked but Dead” windows down, the morning sun staring into my face as got ready to face another day in the office pretending to be a responsible adult. Some guy in a convertible douche mobile pulls next to me, and rolls down his car window. I give my lipstick a quick in my rear view to prepare for some good natured car flirting and early morning ego stroking. I turn towards the douche mobile to hear the guy say “That kind of music isn’t the kind of thing that a young lady should be listening to”. I went from flattered to offended in about 0.5 seconds and yelled back “Fuck you! This album is brutally charming!” The light changed and I went on about my way, but as “Hard Naked but Dead” continued to cut through the quiet Los Angeles morning I began to realize two things about this album; charmingly brutal is the best way to describe this album and I think the guys from Dead were stalking me when they recorded this album.
There is no denying that Dead is heavy as fuck. This is death and roll at it’s finest; Dead mixes catchy rock n roll hooks with big tasty riffs and blacken thrash together to an album that is heavy enough to keep the hard core fans happy, but is still appealing to people who may not like their shit this heavy all the time. It’s the lyrics that make Dead so fucking charming. They open the tracks with a call for everyone to put their mutha fuckin horns in the air! Anytime a song that isn’t part of a live album brings in a line to get you hyped, you know you’re in for a good time. Before I had the chance to look at what the name of the track was I was banging my head to Dead, my horns in the air, nails slamming against the roof of my car and all was right with the world. I love that as heavy as they are, Dead aren’t afraid to be silly with their lyrics. The way they work “roses are red and violets are blue” into “Liquor Store Goddess” is random and cute that it made my black heart grow three times its size.
Now here is where things get a bit odd, and why I think Dead was stalking me. A few months back, I was standing in line at a liquor store in Hollywood, like the “Liquor Store Goddess” I am, I was picking up so whiskey for before a show. The guy in behind me taps me and asks what time it is. I tell him and turn around. He taps me again, and as I turn he pulls out his cock and says “Miss, will you hold my penis?”. Unlike the lady they sample for the song, I didn’t run through the you liquor store screaming because I saw some random dick. I just turned back around. However, for the record I need to say that if you boys are intent on pulling your shit out in front of strange women, I demand that you have something worth looking at. There is nothing worse that seeing some average, middle of the road, science class, high school sex ed book version of the average version of the average penis when you’re getting flashing. C’mon impress me you fucks! I still won’t bang you, but having a massive wang will at least give me something fun to talk about.
After I got over the feeling of being followed, I fell in love with Dead for their driving hard rockin’, rhythms, hilarious tounge in cheek lyrics, and their ability to let loose and just be fucking fun! This drink is for you Dead and I will be your”Liquor Store Goddess” any day!